Mad Cow 101

I suffer from Mad Cow.

No, not the disease that eats your brain (though some days that seems like that what is going on) and I really shouldn't say suffer, because to me that makes me sound like a victim. I am not a victim.

Let me start over.

I live with Mad Cow.

When I say Mad Cow I am referring to anxiety disorder.

I call it Mad Cow, I am a Boston Legal fan, and one of the characters on Boston Legal, Denny Crane - played by William Shatner - is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease. Rather than admit that he is slipping because of Alzheimer's he insists that he is slipping because he has "Mad Cow;" Denny eats so much beef he must surely have contracted Mad Cow, at least that is his reasoning.

This just strikes me as being funny, so in a effort to try and deal with my problem I call it "Mad Cow."

Let me explain to you what my Mad Cow is like.

Pick something that you are afraid of, deathly afraid. Let's say, spiders. Now, imagine that you have to reach into a dark closet and there might be a spider in there. Feeling a little uneasy? Ok. Now, imagine that not only is there a possibility that there is a spider in there, but it is a giant and hairy and has fangs and is the size of a small cat. Scared?

That is how I feel going about my everyday life. Anxious about doing the most ordinary things. Going to movies, driving across town, I think you get the idea. It is almost like I'm living inside this force field and it is incredibly difficult to pass beyond it.

But I can pass beyond it - with the help of medication.

And there is only so much medication I can take.

I have good days and bad days.

Some days I feel like I can go out and conquer the world.

Other days I can barely make it down the road.

I am hoping that by talking about this I can help myself and maybe even help others.